The Baffling Career Trajectory of Gerard Butler

As you no doubt have heard by now, a new movie by the name of The Bounty Hunter hit theaters this last week, and is no doubt poised to change the way Hollywood makes films forever while simultaneously revolutionizing the way that we view motion pictures. This film will absolutely go down in history as this generation's Citizen Kane; which is to say, it will be shitty and boring, but pretentious film majors that drink way too much espresso and pretend to understand the articles in The New Yorker will tell you that it is "poignant" and "eloquently brilliant", and you'll buy their bullshit because, let's face it, you're just as stupid as they are.

See how awesome this movie is?! Kane is a metaphor for the kind of multimedia demagogues that control public opinion and simultaneously- ah, fuck it.

...Just kidding.
You know, a few years ago, if you had heard that Gerard Butler was starring in a movie called The Bounty Hunter alongside Jennifer Aniston, you'd probably assume that it was the kind of action movie/soft-core porno hybrid that made the '70's exploitation era so great. However, unfortunately, we all know better. Gerard Butler seems to insist on bouncing back and forth between badass face-punching machine and testicle-shriveling, boorish-drunk-guy-that-everyone-hates romantic comedy lead.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that the genres of testosterone-fueled action flick and estrogen-fueled romantic comedy are mutually exclusive. If audiences are used to watching you punch ninjas in the jeans and screaming in bearded fury for two and a half hours, they're going to be confused when you don't do that and instead try to fuck an over-the-hill actress, leading to a series of increasingly unlikely and non-entertaining wacky hi-jinx. And yet, this is exactly the paradigm that Gerard Butler apparently hopes to challenge. Therefore, I decided to examine a few of the movies that he's been in to try and figure out if this strategy makes any sort of sense whatsoever.
....Unfortunately, I could not sit through the entire length of some of these movies...but I'm confident that my negligent generalizations will hold true nonetheless.

300

Let's start with the role that Gerard Butler is arguably most well-known for: King Leonidas in 300. 300 was based on Frank Miller's graphic novel... you know, the one people only gave a shit about because he wrote The Dark Knight Returns and also made Daredevil into a semi-credible character. The actual comic itself was largely forgettable; it was overshadowed by his Sin City series, which was turned into a great movie, and is mostly notable for being one of the stories he authored before he went batshit-insane (see All-Star Batman and Robin, The Spirit movie).

The movie treatment of it basically turned into a tribute from director Zack Snyder to computer-generated abs, gay soft-core porn, and slow motion battle sequences. Seriously, watch that movie again; I haven't seen a movie that gay since Brokeback Mountain made it okay for movies in which a man spits on his dick in order to fuck another man in the ass to be a viable candidate for "Best Picture" at the Oscars. My take on the movie: it's the best allegory of the homosexual's struggle to overcome adversity in America ever put to film, the only possible competition being the tumultuous bromance between Maverick and Ice Man in Top Gun.

Anyway, a lot of the budget for this movie went toward making Gerard Butler not look like a whiskey-soaked fatass. So he had an awesome-looking, action figure bod; all he needed to do after that was scream nonsensical and boring one-liners like "Tonight we dine in hellllll!!!" and "Give them nothing, but take from them evrehthing!"

Girls creamed their panties at the site of the airbrushed male bodies (meanwhile no doubt complaining about the unrealistic expectations placed upon them from the airbrushed images of women from Victoria's Secret catalogs... hypocritical much?) while drunken college frat boys high-fived each other at the sight of slow-motion stab-gasms and the repetition of numb-skulled lines like "THIS! IS! SPARTAAAA!!!!" followed by the kicking of Dhalsim into the Sarlaac Pit.
Full disclosure: I hated this movie from the moment I first saw it. I thought it was mind-numbing dreck that was no different from other bro-hym action bowel movements, aside from the fact that it was based on a comic book and was visually stunning. However, this is the role that put Mr. Butler in position to be the lead role in other movies. God help us...

P.S.: I Love You

Yeah, I didn't see this one. But just from looking at the poster, you can tell it's some kind of chick flick, sporting a title like something you'd put at the end of an email to your girlfriend when you're trying to be cute and hoping she'll have sex with you when you see her later that night (she won't).

If memory serves, this is basically the gist of this movie. Gerard Butler is dead (so we're off to a good start), but when he was alive he was apparently some kind of sociopathic dom/sub enthusiast, and his wife was so completely dependent on him that she couldn't do anything for herself. So before he dies, he leaves a bunch of letters or something, telling her what to do and teaching her how to live without him. For some reason, this complete dependence of a woman on a man, to the point where she can't live or move on without him, is depicted as being "romantic".

Keep in mind, this was the first "major" movie that Butler appeared in since 300, and it came out a year later. He was poised to become the next big action star, and he came out with sentimental bullshit like this that was considered sappy even by chick-flick standards. I know I haven't seen it personally, but I'm willing to bet that he doesn't stab even one dude in the whole thing. So at this point, nobody's quite sure what he's all about.

Rock N Rolla

Whoa! And he throws a curve ball! Rock N Rolla (also known as Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels: Part 3) was a fucking awesome movie. It's about a bunch of gangsters who are running a real estate market scam, or something, and then there's this junkie rock star who gives the most awesome monologue about addiction related to the art work on a cigarette box, and he's involved somehow, and then Gerard Butler and his friends fight some Russian guys that literally won't die no matter what they do to them, and... you know what, I'm not even sure what the hell happens in this movie, and I've seen it a few times. But it's one of those movies that's hard to grasp because it's good, not because it's poorly made. This film, as well as Butler's performance, was a huge step up for him.

So after starring in a film that was good without having to rely on greasy CGI muscles or elevated estrogen levels, what's next for him? Is he going to follow this with another credible movie, and firmly position himself as a talented actor?

The Ugly Truth

No. No he's not.
True to form, Butler bounces back to his old standby, one-star romantic comedies. In this one, he stretches his acting talent to play an unlikeable asshole (I wonder how he ever prepared for that role?!) who's trying to get with an icy bitch (Katherine Heigl) by imparting unto her wisdom of the differences between the sexes that only he could relate, such as "men like sex, a bit more than women do" and... well, that's pretty much it. Wait, did I say nobody could relate that except him? 'Cause what I meant to say was "everyone". Everyone could relate that.


You get the point. He went on to star in another shitty action movie (Gamer, in which he fights Dexter in order to free Ludacris or something), repeat pattern ad infinitum. So, what's next for Gerard Butler? Probably a sub-par action film, followed by a sub-par romantic comedy. Will I care? Probably not.