DISCLAIMER: It's possible that there may be some spoiler alerts sprinkled throughout here... assuming you haven't seen the original movie, or the remake, or read any Greek mythology. That being said, I'd recommend you read this anyway, and don't waste your time on the movie.
Well, I will say this: nobody could accuse the marketing team of false advertising. Titans definitely did clash.
Apparently, according to Clash of the Titans, "plot" is a synonym for "excuse to wander around fighting different monsters of increasing size that like to make eye contact with the camera and scream directly into it".
Why is it that Sam Worthington's taint is getting almost as much screen time as the rest of him? Thank God the 3D effects are so shoddy; I'd hate to be worried that I'm about to get slapped in the face by his backsack.
I never realized how much I really want to fuck Gemma Arterton before...mostly because I'd never heard of her before this movie. But still, damn! Why is Worthington getting more upskirt shots than her?!
Sub-question: Does anyone else want to bone Medusa, or is it just me? Her stare's certainly turning me rock-hard, if you know what I mean...
Hey guys, what's Kraken?
After watching Le Chiffre period out his eyes for the duration of Casino Royale, I'm having a bit of a hard time accepting him in a badass role.
Am I the only one who finds it extremely racist that the Djinn monster, who is clearly a character akin to more of an Arab mythos, suicide bombs Medusa?
This movie contains gods, gigantic scorpions, and creatures whose skin is made out of wood. That being said, the most unbelievable part of the plot is that Perseus refuses to use the lightsaber that Zeus gives him. Fuck that; I don't care how much you hate someone. If they give you a real live lightsaber, they automatically become your new best friend.
I never knew that Eddie from the Iron Maiden album covers moonlighted as ferry boat captain on the river Styx, although I can't say I'm surprised. The only way your occupation could be more metal than "ferry captain to the damned" is if your job title was "executive director of fetus-eating and cunt-punching relations".
So let me get this straight: Perseus and his gang of Expendable Assholes battle giant scorpions that literally come out of nowhere for like twenty minutes of screen time, but he defeats the Kraken at the end in less than a minute?! I haven't been this disappointed in an end-boss battle since I beat Resident Evil 4.
Do me a favor, Hollywood: the next time titans clash, just shoot me a text or something to let me know. "Hey dont go to Argos, titans r gonna clahs. Kthx." That way I'll know to adjust my travel plans accordingly, without having to sit through two and a half hours of big-budget creative Armageddon.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
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