Slappin' your troubles away

You probably don't need me to tell you what a barren wasteland of creativity late-night television is. Watching late-night TV is like having your brain slowly eaten by an earwhig (they eat brains, right? Or am I confusing earwhigs with zombies again?). Mostly, I'd have to say that you'd have to be violently drunk in order to even come close to understanding most of the shit they fill these late time slots with, and luckily, I often am when I'm watching TV at five in the morning. However, I came across a commercial last night that, despite my David Hasselhoff level of inebreation, still left me screaming "what the fuck" through bitter tears. Apparently, David Lynch has begun directing infomercials:








Now, first let me say that I find it truly inspiring that the shamwow guy was able to find work after a hooker with a penis beat the shit out of his masculinity (what little there was to begin with). But "Slap your troubles away with Slap Chop"? Come on now, Shamwow Guy, you tried that already with that man-woman and it didn't end very well. Also, wasn't I supposed to wipe my troubles away with the shamwow? Make up your mind! In these uncertain times of economic turmoil, I think we can all agree that we look to the people on our television sets late at night peddling us worthless, idiotic bullshit for stability.

And what's with the part towards the middle? Shamwow Guy is slap choppin' up some disgusting egg-pickle-ham "breakfast", when all of a sudden we're treated to a punch of jump cuts of black people dancing. Does... does the Slap Chop make black people happy? Is it because of the rhythm produced by Shamwow Guy's enthusiastic slap chopping, and we all know that black people can't help but dance when there's any kind of beat present? Honestly, I wish I could be as happy about anything as those black people are about the Slap Chop.

The end of the commercial truly terrifies me too. Shamwow Guy starts thrashing around violently like someone's electrocuting him in the dick. Shamwow Guy, lay off the cocaine, please. We just lost Billy Mays; I... I just don't know if I could handle the loss of another quasi-celebrity whom nobody cared about before he died so soon after that tragedy.

Lastly, I must point out that this product is about ten years old. My Mom bought it from the Pampered Chef quite awhile ago. And yes, it is pretty convenient... I just didn't know you could make money by renaming something that already exists and that you didn't invent. That being said, buy my new product, the Stab Cut. It's like a knife, but called something different!