Cop Out

Okay, so let me get this straight. A grizzled veteran badass cop, John McClaine, teams up with a functionally retarded idiot savante, Brian Fellows. Together, they must take down an evil criminal mastermind, Stiffler. And the trailer expects us to believe that, against all odds, hilarity somehow ensues.

All right, let me just say this. Bruce Willis needs to stop acting in cop roles that aren't explicitly named John McClaine, because if we're being honest with ourselves, that's who he is, even if his characters aren't named that. In 16 Blocks he played an older, lamer John McClaine with a moustache; in Surrogates, he played John McClaine...IN THE FUTURE!! Once you've played the quintessential badass cop action hero, you really can't escape that; at least not as long as you continue to play badass cop action heroes. I mean come on man, I know a certain level of suspension of disbelief is required of the audience to even believe that an 80 year old man can be physically intimidating, but asking us to think that you aren't McClaine on top of that is just going overboard.

And Tracey Morgan... Look, 30 Rock is not a bad show, and his character on that show isn't bad either. But you know how Dave Chapelle quit comedy because white people were "laughing too hard" at his racist jokes? Forget for a second how ridiculous it is to quit being a comedian because people think you're funny, and try to understand the principle behind that concept. Chapelle thought that white people laughing so hard at his racist jokes about black people revealed just how racist white people innately are, even after all this time, and it disgusted him. It just so happens that he was completely wrong in his assumption; but now, by the same token, let's look at Tracey Morgan. He plays the retarded black man so well that not only do white people laugh their asses off at it, he's now being typecast into that sort of role. Is it encouraging, as an actor, to think to yourself, "I'm so good at acting like a moron that that's all people want to see me do"? I'm not here to give you the answers, people. I'm only here to ask the questions.

Jesus Christ, if the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were forced to watch this movie, U.S. citizens would be outraged at the level of torture being inflicted upon our prisoners of war. The prisoners themselves would be begging for another water boarding party out of fear that they would have to be subjected to this abomination again. Who the fuck directed this travesty?!
That's right, Kevin Smith. Known lately for being an epic fatass, Kevin Smith was at one time responsible for such straight-faced, dialogue based nerdgasms as Clerks and Mallrats. While he did write both a Daredevil and a Batman graphic novel that I'm quite fond of, most of his filmic ventures as of late have been similar to watching a late-term abortion in IMAX...which is to say, the fact that it gave me an erection filled me with confused, homicidal rage. At what point will we stop excusing bullshit put out by a director who's riding the coattails of moments of brilliance that they had years earlier? (I'm looking at you, M. Night Shyamalanadon.) The longer we as a culture continue this trend, the more films like Cop Out we're going to get. Are you prepared to give up that much of your soul, dear readers? Do you even care?!?


...In all honesty, though, this movie could potentially be decent. I've been wrong before, and I've seen some trailers that make it look not so terrible. I guess we'll see.