If I wrote Britney Spears' "If You Seek Amy"

I fully realize how late I am on this...I know this song's been out for awhile now. But in my defense, I don't give a shit about Britney Spears or her terrible "music", so I never paid much attention to this song. However, the other day I was at a Subway, trying to choke down one of their sandwiches, and this song came on. I noticed the lyrics to the chorus, which go something like this:

"Love me, hate me, say what you want about me,
But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy"

Now, I will reluctantly grant that the phrase "if you seek Amy" is a tad clever, only because I didn't get the reference the first time I heard it (in case you don't get it, it's kind of a double entendre; it sounds like she's saying "F-U-C-K me"). But therein lies the problem; it doesn't work as a double entendre because the phrase itself, taken by its literal meaning, makes absolutely no sense in that context. It's like whoever wrote the lyrics burned out their cerebral cortex coming up with that line, and so decided to just haphazardly throw it in the song so they could get back to coloring with their Crayolas. "They're begging to if you seek Amy"? They're begging to do what if I seek Amy?! I think I speak for all of us when I say that I expect a certain level of literary prowess from my mindless pop garbage, and that line leaves me with blue balls...of the mind. Which are the second worst kind of blue balls (the first being actual blue balls).

I decided to illustrate how badly the songwriting ball was dropped by re-writing that chorus right here, right now, off the top of my head. This is how the song should have gone:

"Love me, hate me, but you'll get cerebral palsy,
Like all of the boys and all of the girls that're dying, if you seek Amy."

See how easy that was? I think my version is better for two main reasons:
1. It makes sense on two levels, thereby qualifying it to be a double entendre.
2. It implies that if you fuck Britney Spears, you'll get cerebral palsy. Which I'll admit is unlikely, but I really doubt she'd even notice she's saying that. All she wants is attention, and telling people your vagina will give them cerebral palsy is in at least, like, the top 10 ways to get people to notice you.

Random thoughts RE: Clash Of The Titans

DISCLAIMER: It's possible that there may be some spoiler alerts sprinkled throughout here... assuming you haven't seen the original movie, or the remake, or read any Greek mythology. That being said, I'd recommend you read this anyway, and don't waste your time on the movie.

Well, I will say this: nobody could accuse the marketing team of false advertising. Titans definitely did clash.

Apparently, according to Clash of the Titans, "plot" is a synonym for "excuse to wander around fighting different monsters of increasing size that like to make eye contact with the camera and scream directly into it".

Why is it that Sam Worthington's taint is getting almost as much screen time as the rest of him? Thank God the 3D effects are so shoddy; I'd hate to be worried that I'm about to get slapped in the face by his backsack.

I never realized how much I really want to fuck Gemma Arterton before...mostly because I'd never heard of her before this movie. But still, damn! Why is Worthington getting more upskirt shots than her?!
Sub-question: Does anyone else want to bone Medusa, or is it just me? Her stare's certainly turning me rock-hard, if you know what I mean...

Hey guys, what's Kraken?

After watching Le Chiffre period out his eyes for the duration of Casino Royale, I'm having a bit of a hard time accepting him in a badass role.

Am I the only one who finds it extremely racist that the Djinn monster, who is clearly a character akin to more of an Arab mythos, suicide bombs Medusa?

This movie contains gods, gigantic scorpions, and creatures whose skin is made out of wood. That being said, the most unbelievable part of the plot is that Perseus refuses to use the lightsaber that Zeus gives him. Fuck that; I don't care how much you hate someone. If they give you a real live lightsaber, they automatically become your new best friend.

I never knew that Eddie from the Iron Maiden album covers moonlighted as ferry boat captain on the river Styx, although I can't say I'm surprised. The only way your occupation could be more metal than "ferry captain to the damned" is if your job title was "executive director of fetus-eating and cunt-punching relations".

So let me get this straight: Perseus and his gang of Expendable Assholes battle giant scorpions that literally come out of nowhere for like twenty minutes of screen time, but he defeats the Kraken at the end in less than a minute?! I haven't been this disappointed in an end-boss battle since I beat Resident Evil 4.

Do me a favor, Hollywood: the next time titans clash, just shoot me a text or something to let me know. "Hey dont go to Argos, titans r gonna clahs. Kthx." That way I'll know to adjust my travel plans accordingly, without having to sit through two and a half hours of big-budget creative Armageddon.

The Baffling Career Trajectory of Gerard Butler

As you no doubt have heard by now, a new movie by the name of The Bounty Hunter hit theaters this last week, and is no doubt poised to change the way Hollywood makes films forever while simultaneously revolutionizing the way that we view motion pictures. This film will absolutely go down in history as this generation's Citizen Kane; which is to say, it will be shitty and boring, but pretentious film majors that drink way too much espresso and pretend to understand the articles in The New Yorker will tell you that it is "poignant" and "eloquently brilliant", and you'll buy their bullshit because, let's face it, you're just as stupid as they are.

See how awesome this movie is?! Kane is a metaphor for the kind of multimedia demagogues that control public opinion and simultaneously- ah, fuck it.

...Just kidding.
You know, a few years ago, if you had heard that Gerard Butler was starring in a movie called The Bounty Hunter alongside Jennifer Aniston, you'd probably assume that it was the kind of action movie/soft-core porno hybrid that made the '70's exploitation era so great. However, unfortunately, we all know better. Gerard Butler seems to insist on bouncing back and forth between badass face-punching machine and testicle-shriveling, boorish-drunk-guy-that-everyone-hates romantic comedy lead.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that the genres of testosterone-fueled action flick and estrogen-fueled romantic comedy are mutually exclusive. If audiences are used to watching you punch ninjas in the jeans and screaming in bearded fury for two and a half hours, they're going to be confused when you don't do that and instead try to fuck an over-the-hill actress, leading to a series of increasingly unlikely and non-entertaining wacky hi-jinx. And yet, this is exactly the paradigm that Gerard Butler apparently hopes to challenge. Therefore, I decided to examine a few of the movies that he's been in to try and figure out if this strategy makes any sort of sense whatsoever.
....Unfortunately, I could not sit through the entire length of some of these movies...but I'm confident that my negligent generalizations will hold true nonetheless.

300

Let's start with the role that Gerard Butler is arguably most well-known for: King Leonidas in 300. 300 was based on Frank Miller's graphic novel... you know, the one people only gave a shit about because he wrote The Dark Knight Returns and also made Daredevil into a semi-credible character. The actual comic itself was largely forgettable; it was overshadowed by his Sin City series, which was turned into a great movie, and is mostly notable for being one of the stories he authored before he went batshit-insane (see All-Star Batman and Robin, The Spirit movie).

The movie treatment of it basically turned into a tribute from director Zack Snyder to computer-generated abs, gay soft-core porn, and slow motion battle sequences. Seriously, watch that movie again; I haven't seen a movie that gay since Brokeback Mountain made it okay for movies in which a man spits on his dick in order to fuck another man in the ass to be a viable candidate for "Best Picture" at the Oscars. My take on the movie: it's the best allegory of the homosexual's struggle to overcome adversity in America ever put to film, the only possible competition being the tumultuous bromance between Maverick and Ice Man in Top Gun.

Anyway, a lot of the budget for this movie went toward making Gerard Butler not look like a whiskey-soaked fatass. So he had an awesome-looking, action figure bod; all he needed to do after that was scream nonsensical and boring one-liners like "Tonight we dine in hellllll!!!" and "Give them nothing, but take from them evrehthing!"

Girls creamed their panties at the site of the airbrushed male bodies (meanwhile no doubt complaining about the unrealistic expectations placed upon them from the airbrushed images of women from Victoria's Secret catalogs... hypocritical much?) while drunken college frat boys high-fived each other at the sight of slow-motion stab-gasms and the repetition of numb-skulled lines like "THIS! IS! SPARTAAAA!!!!" followed by the kicking of Dhalsim into the Sarlaac Pit.
Full disclosure: I hated this movie from the moment I first saw it. I thought it was mind-numbing dreck that was no different from other bro-hym action bowel movements, aside from the fact that it was based on a comic book and was visually stunning. However, this is the role that put Mr. Butler in position to be the lead role in other movies. God help us...

P.S.: I Love You

Yeah, I didn't see this one. But just from looking at the poster, you can tell it's some kind of chick flick, sporting a title like something you'd put at the end of an email to your girlfriend when you're trying to be cute and hoping she'll have sex with you when you see her later that night (she won't).

If memory serves, this is basically the gist of this movie. Gerard Butler is dead (so we're off to a good start), but when he was alive he was apparently some kind of sociopathic dom/sub enthusiast, and his wife was so completely dependent on him that she couldn't do anything for herself. So before he dies, he leaves a bunch of letters or something, telling her what to do and teaching her how to live without him. For some reason, this complete dependence of a woman on a man, to the point where she can't live or move on without him, is depicted as being "romantic".

Keep in mind, this was the first "major" movie that Butler appeared in since 300, and it came out a year later. He was poised to become the next big action star, and he came out with sentimental bullshit like this that was considered sappy even by chick-flick standards. I know I haven't seen it personally, but I'm willing to bet that he doesn't stab even one dude in the whole thing. So at this point, nobody's quite sure what he's all about.

Rock N Rolla

Whoa! And he throws a curve ball! Rock N Rolla (also known as Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels: Part 3) was a fucking awesome movie. It's about a bunch of gangsters who are running a real estate market scam, or something, and then there's this junkie rock star who gives the most awesome monologue about addiction related to the art work on a cigarette box, and he's involved somehow, and then Gerard Butler and his friends fight some Russian guys that literally won't die no matter what they do to them, and... you know what, I'm not even sure what the hell happens in this movie, and I've seen it a few times. But it's one of those movies that's hard to grasp because it's good, not because it's poorly made. This film, as well as Butler's performance, was a huge step up for him.

So after starring in a film that was good without having to rely on greasy CGI muscles or elevated estrogen levels, what's next for him? Is he going to follow this with another credible movie, and firmly position himself as a talented actor?

The Ugly Truth

No. No he's not.
True to form, Butler bounces back to his old standby, one-star romantic comedies. In this one, he stretches his acting talent to play an unlikeable asshole (I wonder how he ever prepared for that role?!) who's trying to get with an icy bitch (Katherine Heigl) by imparting unto her wisdom of the differences between the sexes that only he could relate, such as "men like sex, a bit more than women do" and... well, that's pretty much it. Wait, did I say nobody could relate that except him? 'Cause what I meant to say was "everyone". Everyone could relate that.


You get the point. He went on to star in another shitty action movie (Gamer, in which he fights Dexter in order to free Ludacris or something), repeat pattern ad infinitum. So, what's next for Gerard Butler? Probably a sub-par action film, followed by a sub-par romantic comedy. Will I care? Probably not.

Lady Gaga's "Telephone"- music video, or mind rape?

Great, there goes the logical reasoning center of my brain. There is literally no way to make sense of anything that goes on in that video. I get that Lady Gaga is supposed to be all edgy and shit, sort of like she's trying to be this generation's Madonna. I understand that, I really do. But at what point do you go from being "edgy" to being "laughably ridiculous"? I mean, dressing like you're an extra in a Luc Besson movie mostly just makes you look retarded. I don't know, maybe that's the point. Maybe some people think it's edgy to be a retarded pop singer. Personally, I think it's more inspiring than edgy, but that's just me.

This video sexually assaulted my brain for about nine and a half minutes. Like...why the fuck is the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill in this video? What the hell does that have to do with anything? And do I want to fuck Lady Gaga, or run from her screaming and in tears? My body tells me to do both of those things at the same time, and last time I checked, running around screaming and crying while trying to fuck someone kind of creeps people out. Is this supposed to be funny, or...I mean, what the fuck?

Top 10: Songs to cheer you up- Part 2

And now, the long-awaited top 5 songs to cheer you up! I'll pause for applause. (You can find part 1 here.)

The Format- "The First Single (Cause A Scene)"
I don't know how popular The Format are (were?) outside of Arizona, but I do remember seeing a fat, presumably lesbian chick in Indiana (because Indiana is populated largely by fat lesbians. That's such a well-known fact that I feel like I just insulted your intelligence by mentioning it) wearing one of their shirts when I was there one time. Regardless, The Format was a fucking awesome band, and if you've never listened to them, you really should stop depriving yourself. Anyone who knows this song knows that it will instantly cheer you up; it's one of those songs that you can put on at a party and have everyone singing along to in minutes, sort of like the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" theme song.

Bebop has a fucking sword on his back. I can see it. Why didn't he ever use it?!?

Of course, as the parenthetical title implies, this song does instruct its listeners to "cause a scene", which can be confusing for first-time listeners. I'm not a fan of songs explicitly ordering me around to begin with, but as it turns out, The Format's idea of causing a scene- "clap your hands and stomp your feet"- is distinctly different from mine. See, when I need to cause a scene, I generally whip my dick out and do the "flying squirrel" (and no, I'm not gonna tell you what a "flying squirrel" is...use your imagination). And I will say this: if you think that the end result of "causing a scene" should be getting arrested at Warped Tour and being put in the sex offender registry, then I fucking win.


Passion Pit- "Little Secrets"
Ian Cohen over at Pitchfork said it best in his review for this album when he stated: "What happens when you're scrambling to think of why a record is worth hearing and you keep coming back to 'it makes me happy'?" Listening to this song is like basking in the glow of Julia Roberts' smile while cuddling that teddy bear from the Snuggle Fabric Softener commercials and baking cookies for all the toothless orphans from Oliver Twist (but not for Annie; instead of baked goods, you're forcibly feeding her numerous knuckle sandwiches, delivered directly to her creepy, soulless, ginger face). Incidentally, the previous sentence was probably the most accurate description of anything in the history of both descriptions and things.

Passion Pit is what would've happened if Micheal Jackson was a hipster. In fact, obvious musical influences aside, Passion Pit may have a bit more in common with ol' Thriller than is at first apparent. Observe, the chorus of "Little Secrets":

Singer: Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling...
Chorus of Children: Higher, higher and higher!

Um... huh. That's... hm. Well, despite the beating these guys are probably about to receive at the hands of Elliot Stabler, I stand by what I've said here today.


MGMT- "Kids"
I have to say, it still amazes me how popular Oracular Spectacular got when it came out- not because it isn't good (it's actually very good), but because it sounds almost nothing like the other stuff that gets radio play, or it didn't at the time anyway. Not to mention, the album itself switches back and forth from high energy pop masterpieces sporting monster hooks like "Kids", to psychedelic experiments in mind-fuckery.

I saw them play a free show at Tempe Marketplace one time, and because of their surprising amount of radio play, the frat boys were out in full force. MGMT responded to this by opening with one of their catchy popular tunes, and then proceeded to fuck with the audience for the next hour and a half in the single greatest instance of a band alienating their fans that I've ever witnessed firsthand. If memory serves, it was pretty much just one long, droning jam session that made Iron Butterfly look like N*SYNC. At one point, there was a drawn-out flute solo that came out of nowhere. A fucking flute solo! I have to admit, even I didn't see that one coming.

Pictured: Jethro Tull, the grandaddy of flute-based rock.

Piebald- "American Hearts"
Sometimes, we all need to feel like we belong to something that's bigger than ourselves. It's a basic human need; it's what makes people do seemingly illogical things like join cults and/or college fraternities. And it's also what gives this song the ability to cheer you up: the anthemic choruses of "Hey! You're part of it!"

But to what, specifically, is this 'it' that we are supposedly indeed a part of? That's open to some interpretation; personally, given the rest of the lyrics, I gather that it is about at least one, if not all of the three following things:
1. It is a retort to the types of people who blame all of the evil and suffering and general malaise in the world on "society". Kid shoot up his school? "I blame society." Religious zealots commit mass murder? "I blame society." Nickelback continues to somehow sell albums and continue their epic quest to ruin everything that anyone has ever liked about music? "I blame society." This is Piebald looking at those people and saying, "You can blame society if you want, but hey- you're part of it."
2. On a narrower scope, it is about American society, and the discrepancy between the idea of the "American Dream" and the reality of life faced by many Americans, particularly those who are born into poverty. Racism still exists, albeit in a much more institutionalized rather than blatant form. Socioeconomic and sociocultural biases only seem to be less prevalent in modern society than they were in the past because it's gotten easier to ignore it. And, because most people don't even realize this, much less actively do anything to change things for the better, we're part of it.
3. A zombie apocalypse.

Guy Getting Eaten: "Man, this zombie apocalypse sucks."
Piebald: "Hey, you're part of it."

Whatever the case, it's delivered in such a cheery way that it's sure to bring a smile to your face.


The Rocket Summer- "So Much Love"
Confession time: I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in the first verse of this song. I used to think it went "Hats need a C like a rake needs some leaves". I just looked it up, and that's not the case, which is kind of disappointing, because I took that as evidence that Bryce Avery had finally completely lost his mind.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, this is the mother of all happy, cheer-up songs. It's so cheesy, so over the top, that it's impossible not to smile at the level of enthusiasm and joy with which Avery delivers the lyrics about someone having "so much love" in them. And just when you think it can't possibly get any more joyous, BAM! In comes the saxophone solo to punch what's left of your sadness in the gut, and then crotch-stomp it over and over again until it chokes to death on a mixture of its own blood and vomit.
...I was going to include a picture here, but after Google Image searching "crotch-stomp", I think I'll just go cry in the corner instead...


And one more for the road:
Onelinedrawing- "Smile"
All the feel-good twang of the Gin Blossoms, minus the depressing alcoholic imagery, and featuring a guest solo from intergalactic plot device and jambot R2D2. Bonus Fact: all you hard-core punk kids out there can feel safe listening to this song, as the singer/sole member of Onelinedrawing also fronted such seminal post-hardcore bands as Far and New End Original! Of course, if you were really a hard-core punk kid, you would have already known that...

People Helping People

I've mentioned before that some of my friends also write. If you get the chance, check out my good friend Matt's blog over at http://abysmalculture.wordpress.com/. It's thoroughly enjoyable.

And be sure to check back later this week for my picks for the top 5 songs to cheer you up! There's a reason it took me a few weeks to finish that post, I promise....

This week in annoying music trends...

It's possible that this phenomenon is located entirely within the Arizona local music scene, but I doubt it. It appears to be spreading throughout pop punk bands faster than zombies in an urban setting where apparently not one single person has ever heard of zombies before.

The illustrative properties of this image are endless.

I'm talking, of course, about the apparent need of every pop punk band lately cover a hip hop song.

I first noticed this when that "Punk Goes Crunk" CD came out and subsequently launched the career of The Maine due to their cover of "I Wanna Love You". Their career didn't stay launched for long, mind you; most people stopped caring about them the second they realized that their original songs were, well... not that good. However, courageously ignoring that second fact, a whole bunch of pop punk bands decided to follow suit, boldly going where many, many bands had gone before.

I'll admit, at first I liked it. The covers were catchy and fun and all that, but mostly, I thought it was some sort of social commentary. By taking the mainstream hip hop culture and stripping away all the manufactured tough-guy posturing and leaving only mostly inane, nonsensical lyrics and overbearing themes of misogyny camouflaged by catchy hooks, these covers were essentially holding a mirror up to the genre and the people who buy into it, and asking them all if they liked what they saw. I thought it was trying to make a statement. Of course, it's not like most people would see it that way; but then again, that just kind of proves the point, doesn't it? A good social satire's strength comes from its subtlety, and if the point is to prove that most people who actually like mainstream hip hop are tasteless drones, then those same people not getting the parody would make sense.

Alas, after about the forty thousandth band that put out a cover like this, I started to get the sneaking suspicion that perhaps I was giving these bands too much credit. It's become a prerequisite that if you're a pop punk band and you hope to be popular, you goddamn better have a great fucking hip hop cover, or else, get the fuck out of my face, goddamn it. It isn't social commentary, it isn't clever, and it's not even original; it's just a gimmick.

Pop Punk's biggest musical influence.

It's my fault, really; while the first generation of pop punk grew up listening to bands like Black Flag and Minor Threat and The Descendants, the current generation grew up listening to Good Charlotte and Simple Plan. I shouldn't have expected any deeper punk sensibilities than what was on the surface, and for that, I'm sorry.

But still, it doesn't make sense to me. Ask yourself, if you were in a band, would you want to be known as "the band who covered 'I Wanna Love You'", as opposed to "that band who covered 'In Da Club'"? Or would you want to be known by your band name, and for your original material and live performances? It makes more sense to want to be known for the latter, but by spending money to record a version of someone else's song, you're setting yourself up for the former.

Not to mention, a cover like this often serves to make your original material seem very weak in comparison. So please, pop punk bands, enough with the hip hop cover recordings. Practice a lot and work hard on your song structures and at putting on dynamic, entertaining live shows, and don't rely on a gimmick that is quickly becoming played out and boring.

Or don't. I don't pay much attention to you local pop punk bands anyway.